Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A Dream woke me up at 5am today

UGH, normally if a dream wakes me up (which is rare) I go right back to sleep but this morning at 4:45 a dream woke me up and not into that haziness that let me go back to sleep. I was completely dead awake as if I had been up for hours. I tried going back to sleep but OH NO that wasn't going to happen. I seriously dislike when I can't get a good nights sleep, especially right before going back to work. And I've been puzzling through a few things that I remember of the dream to try figuring out why... obviously my brain thought it was important.

So what have I gleaned? Well I made my Baby sad on Saturday and although I apologized I think my brain figures I haven't done enough to apologize not to mention it's been exactly a year since I moved in with her. I think my brain is trying to tell me to step it up... we act like a married couple so why not be married. So from that my train of thought led me to some different questions, what do I really think about marriage? Do I want to be married? And is she the one?

Well here are some of my answers that I came up with at some ungodly hour this morning: Is she the one? Yes, we've been together for a year and a half, a bit more now and we've lived together for a year. We've been happy together and I don't have any doubts about her. We've never argued and generally agree on most things. So onto the next question do I want to be married? The short and simple answer to that is yes... but why? What do I think of this institution of marriage? Well I've not puzzled through that one just yet.

I've never really been one to talk about my feelings, most of the time I manage nothing more than putting my foot in my mouth and not saying the things I want. I try to act on my feelings and I assume that this is coming through in that manner. But alas assumptions aren't safe.

So my last resolution for the year is to be engaged before the end of the year and know exactly what I think about this whole marriage thing. The how's are details that I'll figure out in due time and I'll figure out the remaining why's soon. I hope.

It's scary being in such a position for me, I've only been in love once before and got badly hurt in the process. The traditional answer is I want to be sure of this and if you were to ask me if I think I'm sure on where I stand the answer would be yes. But I don't talk well about these kinds of topics when it comes to me... others not a problem, but me ha! I'll avoid the topic as if I was going to catch a vile illness. This year the goal is to figure it out and act on it, no point fucking around on the matter. I know the answers and what to do; but I'd like to make sure I know all the why's in the process.