Monday, January 16, 2006

The Self-Esteem "Fat Day"

I've heard girls mention days where they feel fat or they have a fat day, today my self-esteem is having one of those. Nothing seems to be working though nothing seems to be wrong. It's just one of those days where I want to hit a bar or a casino and drink myself into stupidity... but alas I can't (that requires money). It's a very frustrating feeling and I'm not really certain how to explain it or justify it even to myself but that's reality for me today.

The highlight of my day so far? The bowl of Jello my GF made for me last night... yup, its pretty sad. Mind you I like my once in a blue moon jello so it's not quite that bad. I really wish I could put a face to this, I've never been one for emotions... they're pesky little fuckers; but even when I typically ignore most of mine they still affect me, I don't think i would be human if they didn't. I think I may need to puzzle this through.... I know a part of this is the fact that I'm DEAD broke and have been for almost a month now; my bills have been paid there's enough food in the fridge for now but today I sold some DVD's that I didn't really want... that's my gas money for the rest of the week (and Wednesday's batch will probably go to buying me smokes). My Justification for this is I'm burning the DVD's so I'll still have the movies just not the nice packaging... still makes me feel like shit and dirt poor. Hopefully only 2 or 3 more weeks of this then I'll have caught up with some of my spending.

Then there's work, I'm not doing anything wrong but I'm obviously not doing anything right either... I'm doing the same shit, reinventing the wheel over and over again. My skills haven't improved in years, I feel caught and stuck. The place is ok, the people I work with are ok but something is missing. Just nothing seems to work right.

Everything I want to do I either put off or just dismiss it... mostly dismiss it to the point of not really remembering until months or years later (the oh yeah I wanted to do that)

Ok... enough whining, If any of you read this far thanks for reading... I needed to vent at something and though it didn't really help maybe it did something... guess time will tell.