Monday, March 06, 2006

A Fresh Start ?

I've never really been one to like mondays but I find that I'm stuck at the very beginnings of one this morning. So what was my weekend like? Some drinking, some TV some going out but to be perfectly honest it was a rather quiet weekend which was nice since my friday wasn't particlarily good. I managed to fuck up a perfectly good interview and I didn't really realize it until I got some feedback. Do you ever have that happen when you think something went pretty well and then you're clued into a few things and it makes you go back and think about it... and those points are all dead on the money?

Well that's what I had happen at this interview. Essentially what I did without realizing was slammed the company I work for without really realizing it at the time. My buddy works there currently and met with the guy I interviewed with and then told me he got the impression I was bad mouthing my company and just generally negative. Granted I knew the guy I was interviewing with so I was more relaxed than normal when it comes to giveing out info but that's no excuse. This got me thinking (yes kids I do this from time to time) and the net result was I really am very negative about my job and to some extent justifiably so since i haven't been happy here for years. It's not the companies fault as much as it is mine since I should have left long long ago when I wasn't quite as miserable.

The other thing that's coem out of that thining is the fact that there's nothing actually wrong with this company (well there is but we won't go there just now) and I should be able to get myself to the point mentally that I should be able to do my job without loosing my mind. Or loosing my concentration for days on end; without any real worry about the work slipping. I should be loving my job and the opportunity it gives me to kinda do what I want at times but I just resent it. Hell I think I've actually become too comfortable with taking my time, goofing off, and just doing a so-so to poor job in my opinion. Actually the comfort is at the point where a subconcious fear kicks in everytime I want to step it up... the fear works like this I start to get my shit in gear and it goes well for a few days then I start to slip, this in itself isn't a bad thing, but the slipping is just enough that I see that no one is doing their jobs around me or not to the potential level it could be at and I find i'm no longer slipping I'm off the hard work wagon doing my so-so deal again.

I think I'm affraid of what this place would be like for me if I really put 100% into my job and it's incredibly odd saying that but it's true. I've developed a nice saftey net for myself I know what to expect and I know what I can get away with. If I start kicking ass at my job I don't know what could happen... this whole thing with the unknown has been cauging me grief lately, it used to be the fun part.

Anyhow my 6 minutes to type are up.